Saturday, October 29, 2011

Just like Prince's mother! Damn.

Have you ever woken up one day and realized that you're not happy with the way your life is? That realization has hit me every year for the past 3 years or so. It happened again today, while I was sitting at the kitchen table and eating ginger snaps and realizing that I didn't have anywhere to go or anything to do for the Halloween weekend. I realized that next year, I'll be in my "mid 20's" and what have I got to show for it? Let's review.

Age 20, I was a junior in college. Things were going well as I had just met my (first and only) boyfriend and made up with the best friend I'd met in college. I think I did well in school for those couple of semesters and stopped slacking so much.

Age 21, senior in college. This is when I realized that I wouldn't be graduating in 4 years. That realization/fact was the cause of A LOT of strife, angst, and shame. I hid my lack of matriculation from almost everyone, including my parents and some of my closest friends, knowing that my mother would be disappointed in me (as I was in myself), and thinking that my friends would look down on me. I got a job at a call center after my faux graduation and left the Psychology department, where I had worked for 3 years and had supportive friends. I enrolled in a couple of online classes at the community college to finish school.

Age 22. This is when everything fell apart. My boyfriend's father was very ill, and I was completely helpless in that situation. My mother found out that I hadn't graduated, and I STILL wasn't finished with school. I hated my job and cried every morning before going into the building. My boyfriend had quit his job because of his stress and anxiety, which I understood, but money was always tight and that stressed me out even more. I felt like I had absolutely no control over my life regardless of what I might try to do to make things better, and I became very depressed and withdrew from my friends and family even further. I went to see a psychologist a few times, which was a waste of time. She always seemed like she had somewhere else to be.

Now I'm 23. I finally escaped that hellish job. My other half is going through the healing process and is employed, albeit part time. I've finally finished taking classes, and things are slowly getting better. I can even take more classes at a mega discounted rate. If you think I'd be satisfied, you must not know me. There's still the feeling that something is missing, but what it is, I couldn't tell you. Maybe once I make some changes I'll be happier. But knowing myself, I still won't be satisfied. I'll still want more.

Ugh. This was a depressing post. I'm going to bed.

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